myapperception

It’s crazy how fast things can change

Two years ago. Two years ago is when I first saw her. I always thought she was cute and adorable and actually kind of cool because of the way she dressed. I had a Spanish class and in that Spanish class was a guy that ended up dating her that year. It’s crazy that I talked to him everyday in Spanish class and who to know that he would be dating the girl I would soon to love in the next year. I even would see them kiss everyday after school before one of them would leave. It was weird, they were the only people I didn’t mind of PDA. I was okay with them. Along on the side I had my own love interests at the time and they weren’t going well. A girl managed to change my entire life around when I got turned down. That summer I grew as a person. I grew more confident, open minded, motivated, positive, and so on. I had been so open minded that summer I had turned to being an atheist. I was starting to draw away from god and religion and faith. Facts and science just filled my mind. Also my taste in my music was gravitating towards very alternative, folk, and some, lets say, hippy music. John Lennon was turning into a huge inspiration of mine. Only influencing more to be an atheist. I had developed a love for everything, it was a beautiful thing. Lots happened that summer. The school year starts and I’m pretty much a totally different person than I ever use to be. I getting a lot of attention from girls and people I thought I would never talk to. It was very weird. I was very accepting of others and I just wanted everyone to be happy. I wasn’t the shy kid I use to be. I had an open mind and was tolerant of everyone. It took A LOT for me to hate someone. Never hated one student or person this last school year. So I was getting a lot of attention and frankly I really didn’t care and far as I know it I wasn’t looking for a relationship at all. I went to a football game one night at the high school and after the football game there was a school dance. I met up with some friends from the year before. One in particular friend, Andy, told me something. He told me this girl that I remembered from the year before named (to be remained unnamed) said that she liked the way I dress. Her boyfriend from the year before had moved back to his country, he was a foreign exchange student.That was the first sign I got from her. That’s when it all started. That’s when this crazy adventure of mine happened. STOP. Not necessarily. There was one more girl before her. I rode the bus everyday and there was this girl that rode are bus. She was the ex of one of my best friends and I was falling for her but not in the right way. I lusted her. I’m ashamed really. I lusted her and she was very attractive. Though we had nothing common I still wanted her. We talked quite a bit on the bus and through text. Problems appeared, especially because of her being my best friends ex. She figured out I liked her and she said that it wouldn’t work out with me being best friends with her ex and that that person was my best friend. She didn’t want to ruin that. Understandable. She texted me when I was in a movie with my best friend and my friend just told me to ask her again and said it was alright with him and that he wouldn’t let it get in the way of our friendship. So that night we talked for awhile and I asked her and again I was turned down. I was sad and blah blah blah. The thing is I got over her quick. It wasn’t a big deal. I never really liked her for who she was. That was my problem. Although I did learn from it. I learned I need to be strong and not let myself go so easily. I took time off from meeting anyone, I actually told myself that after that I wasn’t going to date anyone for the rest of my high school years. Then I started to remember this girl that said she liked the way I dressed. I was blind the whole time. She was the one. I would always catch myself staring at her. And I would always catch her staring at me. She was still that cute adorable girl from the year before. I told myself, okay Anthony lets be smart here. Did I need to have her? Well, I sent a friend request on Facebook. Now that’s when everything began. We were just friends on Facebook for the time being. I would walk into Smiths classroom for SAT everyday. I would always see her there. I was so shy. Extremely shy. I wasn’t usually like that. She managed to make me the most nervous person in the world. One day though, I walked up to the group of people she was talking with and made casual conversation with the other people. What the heck Anthony, talk to her already. Then unexpectedly she made comment about my tie. She said “That’s a nice Nordic tie". I was so happy and surprised at the same time and I just say “Thank you!“ and smile like an idiot. That was the first thing I said to her. Thank you. Huh, crazy how that works out. I began going inside Smiths classroom whenever we had SAT. The next time I talked to her in Smiths, she was talking about her going to New York. She was telling stories about her friends and what her job was like on the island (Shelter Island, NY) and how she would be with her dad. I thought it sounded like a very cool place. Also she said something about her job being like a second family and how they’re Mexican and I made some stupid comment like “Most my family is white!” Wow Anthony. Good job. The days go by and it’s getting colder outside and the end of semester was coming up. I really wanted to get to know this girl, I thought she was different and in a good way. Then I heard before the end of the semester that she was going to be moving to New York. I was devastated. I really wanted to know her. So that day I sent a message over Facebook on December 11th of 2012. That was the first real conversation starter. I said in the message that I was disappointed that she was moving and I was just getting to know you. She told me I was the nicest dress guy in the school haha. Then I told her that she was the most beautiful girl I had ever met. That made her blush. Whenever she told me she would blush I would feel like the most important man in the world. From then on we talked only more and more. We talked every day about stuff around us like events, people, school, the future, and FOOD haha we would always talk about food. We always clicked talking about food haha. Besides us talking for a week and a lot I was still disappointed she was moving. That weekend she told me everything going on between her and her parents and why she was moving. I had only been talking to her for a week and yet she trusted me that well, it felt good to know that I was there for her. I really began to care for her more and more. One day of texting each other she told me this “When man makes plans, God laughs" and I just said true. She was saying you never know and that this plan of hers of going to new york is all in gods hands. I was an atheist so it really didn’t phase me much but I was mourning over the fact that she wasn’t going to be here. It gave me hope though. This one night we were talking and she was saying that everyone forgets each other after high school and usually never stays in contact. I didn’t believe that, I told her that I would know her till the day I die. That someday we’ll meet up again with both of our careers in place and it’ll be great. She told me that she loved our friendship. I was so happy to hear that. Little did I know that in the future that this was going to kill me. Well she told me everything that happened one day and along with that she told me she wasn’t moving and she was just going to go to New York for the winter break. I was the happiest man in the world. I couldn’t believe that she was staying. She worked things out with her mom and step dad and came up with a plan to let her graduate at our school instead of making her graduate early and go to a college she didn’t want to go to. Again I was the happiest man in the world. I was surprised, she told me that when man makes plans, god laughs. And all this hope in me came back. This faith and joy just rushed through my veins and I was a believer again. God gave me her. This girl brought my faith back. She was my savior and I couldn’t be any happier with the result. She flew to new york and I remember her texting me from the airports. Christmas break began and we were talking more than ever. I was getting to know her so much and just grew to like this girl more and more. I would still tell myself to be strong, I didn’t want to hurt myself again by getting my hopes up. Christmas break was awesome. She was in New York and I was in South Dakota and we were talking every minute of the day 24/7. She was so funny and smart. I really thought she was an amazing girl. We talked more about food and just things going on in the world. It felt like I was with her during Christmas break. We had this connection and I can’t describe it. It just felt good. This island she was staying on though wasn’t all awesome as I thought it was. Theres rich snobby people who live on the island and the guys there are very flirtatious and rude. She didn’t have the best history there either. The best thing she had for her self there was her family and job. She goes to the island every summer and the summer before she had been going through tough times with depression and things happened that she guilts about. One thing in particular was another guy that she met the summer before and he was extremely attached to her. As I don’t know that they’ve been talking since the summer before. He thought he had a chance with her once she came back. She never really was in love with him though. Things were complicated between the two. He was very forcing, he would try to do things to her that she didn’t want to do. This guy was madly in love with her but she wasn’t with him. She had to end things on this island. It wasn’t safe for her to have him around. So she finally told him that it wasn’t going to work out. She felt terrible. She had been leading him on for so long. He was destroyed. She felt so terribly bad that she had done this. But it was the right thing to do. He wasn’t safe, legal, and she can’t force herself to love someone she doesn’t. Things were rough during that time of the break. During all of this I was there for her. I wanted to be there for her. After this the last thing I wanted to put her through was another guy trying to be with her. I was devastated again. I thought I had no chance. Well New Year’s Eve was coming up and I was coming to the realization that I should probably tell her the way I really feel. The night was great. Everything was calm and she was feeling better about everything and I just had a friend over for New Year’s Eve. She wasn’t able to go anywhere for New Year’s Eve her dad had a curfew for her. So she just decided to stay home. We texted the entire day and night all the way up to the countdown. I told myself that I was going to tell her the way I really feel about her. The countdown began and I was so nervous. The clock hits zero and it was time but I did something different, I told her she was the most beautiful, smartest, funniest girl I’ve met and that I’m so happy that I had the chance to meet her, Happy New Years. I just signaled that I liked her a lot but never really told her. She responded aww thanks and that she was happy she met me too. From that point on I gave her time to recover from the last guy. I didn’t want to rush things at all. We talked again everyday. I was starting to show more signs that I liked her. I just didn’t know if I was friend zoned or not. Once winter break ended she flew back down here and was ready to finish her school year here at our high school. When I first saw her after winter break I was so happy to see her. We didn’t get much time to talk during school. So we always met after school to have a simple conversation. I loved it. We were so awkward in front of each other but I still was blind to knowing that she actually liked me. We were so shy with each other it was insane. For as much as we talked to each other we still felt like we were each others crush that we never talked to. Times after school and texting each other after school were the only times we would ever communicate. I remember when we would talk for so long after school in person , I didn’t even care if I missed my bus, and then we would say bye and then eventually one of us would text each other first. Everyday. Every minute. We always said good morning to each other and we would always say good night every night. It was a great feeling. Just to wake up to a text of hers saying good morning was the best feeling. It was the little things that really got me. About a month or so passed with us just talking and talking and saying good night an good morning. Then that’s when I heard winter formal was coming up. I thought to myself, this is the time. I was planning on asking her out to winter formal and planned on asking her the night of winter formal to be my girlfriend. I don’t think I had ever been so nervous in my life. It took a lot friends support to get the balls to ask her out to winter formal. So the day came when I was suppose to ask her out to the formal. I talked to one of my very best friends the night before and we made an agreement that if I don’t do it the next day he would do it for me. So I talked to her after school as usual and we just talked about random things and then I said bye. I didn’t do it. She says bye too and then leaves. I walk to towards the theater for rehearsal and I see a table full of friends just sitting there eyeballing me. And my friend that I had talked to the night before asked me “did you ask her?“ I shake my head and say “ill do it tomorrow” my friend in rage punches me in the stomach and runs after her outside the school doors and yells her name. She’s walking to the parking lot with her friend. I’m anxiously staring outside the window and just trying to figure out her response through body language. I see my friend talking to her and then I see her cover her face with her hands and she does the cutest thing where she blushes and try’s to cover up the blush with her with the palm of her hands. I see her smile, look back at her friend, then back to my friend and then she skips away with a smile on her face. That couldn’t have gone any better but still I was unsure of her answer. My friend walks in the school with the biggest smirk on his face. I ask “So, what did she say?“. “Ask her tomorrow in person” he says laughing and smirking. I seriously could not get my mind off her at this point. The next day after school I finally ask her and she says yes. What a relief. I was so glad that I had friends that helped me out. I don’t know what I would have done without my friend at that point. Things were looking very good. She was doing great and she’s was a lot happier here than she was in New York. Things are looking up. Winter formal was just right around the corner and I was getting more and more nervous as the days got closer. Winter formal night came January 26th. My friend pick both of us up along with his date. We had a great night. I danced with her as much as I could, I never left her side, I wanted her to have fun so as much as I’m a bad dancer or that I don’t dance at all, I stayed with her I don’t want to be the guy that sits down the entire dance. No I danced with her as much as I could. She was beautiful that night. I told her that a lot. She would just blush and just say my name in a way where you know that she’s totally blushing. I swear she’s the cutest person ever. The night was great. The dance ends for the night and we get a ride from another friend of mine. We were on our way to drop her off. This was the moment I was going to ask her. I walked her up to the front door and I said I had a great night with her. Then I said I had a question. I think she knew what I was going to ask. Then I did it, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She hesitated then said “Mmm" she was very undecided. She said that she really liked me but that she was going to college soon and that she was trying to be rational. (Later her friends give her crap for saying she was trying to “rational" haha) She couldn’t decide at that moment. She asked me if I could wait until the next couple of days. She came over for dinner a couple days after and met my whole family, my mom, dad, brother and even my dachshund. Everything went wonderful. After the dinner we hung out with my family. I walked her out to her car and I asked her again and she said yes. January 29th of 2013 was one of the happiest moments of my life. She was amazing. I loved her more everyday. We started to hang out a lot. Almost everyday. We were still shy in front of each other. We didn’t even hold hands until like 3 weeks into our relationship. The first time we hung out was at my house and we watched Ghostbusters. Seeing her smile and hearing her laugh were the best moments with her. We hugged each other so much. Hugs were so warming and immediately took away any stress that I had. The first time I kissed her was after a movie, we walked up to my front door. I told her I wanted to give her something and she jokingly said “money" haha then I moved in for the kiss and kissed her. She giggled and looked up to me and smiled then hugged me. That was my first kiss. I remember when she would bury her head into my chest and give me hugs. I remember when we would dance around the sidewalks. She brought out the best in me. No one else could motivate me as much as she did. She really was amazing. We both shared a passion for making the world better place. We even started a Facebook page that went viral locally. We started to follow each other on tumblr. Our trust was perfect. We loved each other so much and we didn’t have even tell each other. We both knew already. That was the beauty of it. I accepted her for who she was. I never cared about how good she looked for me. As long as she was there for me. As long as she stayed the girl that I fell in love with. She was always so worried if I liked her or not and I always thought that was so silly because I loved her so much with all my heart. I never would trade her for anything. I trusted her so much and I knew I could talk to her for anything. We were best friends, not just lovers. We could do things around each other that we only do in front of our friends. I loved her for who she was. We started out on the foundation of friendship. Everything was so well. But unfortunately her depression was coming back and I was worried for her again. Also this guy from NY wouldn’t stop talking to her. I was getting worried and wanted nothing to do with her ex. Any of them. We had struggles with that. My trust would deplete when I would think about them and I regret it so much right now. I trusted her so much but then again I didn’t when it came to certain people and I look back on myself now and ask myself what the hell I was thinking and how much of an asshole I must have been. Eventually though I was gaining more and more trust for her and I was okay with her talking to different guys and trusted her even more. Things only got better after time of being together. We had a bond between us. We entered in the survivor games together at our school and we came out as winners. Believe it or not we were the last two and ended up going against each other in the finals. She beat me haha. But I was so happy of the fact that I had the opportunity to do that with her. It was something that only happens in books or movies. Prom was amazing, after prom I will remember for the rest of my life. She was beautiful, and at after prom we just hung out and ate food. I remember how tired we were. Graduation was coming up for her and the realization that she was going to be gone soon was coming to me. This is when things started to get very sad and serious because we knew that long distance is not easy. And she was telling me how she doesn’t want to go to blacks hills state and that she wants to go NY for the community college and live with her dad. She had a good job there and family. I actually thought it would be good for her. I trusted her and I thought she was making the right decision and that she would be happier there. Because I thought she would be happier there I thought we had a better chance at having a more successful long distance relationship. She told her parents she didn’t want to go to BHS. They weren’t happy with the decision but it was her decision and her life. So her dad (real dad) was going to be on his way to pick up her up from south dakota to New York. They were going to take a road trip. I was excited for her and anxious to hear all about it. We talked during the road trip and about how we missed each other. . Things were going good on the car ride. Then finally after a long four day car drive they finally got to shelter island. That night is when everything changed. First I’d like to admit I was clingy. That’s only because I missed her so much and also the fact she never texted me first or called me first. I was curious. I didn’t know what she was doing or where she was and I just wanted to simply know or at least be told that she was busy. A part of me thinks that we wouldn’t have split if I was so clingy. But who knows. There was no more #teamforever. She had almost no hope in us being together in the future. I was hopeful thinking everything was going to work out but things didn’t. She was only getting more depressed and sad. I was tie back into her past and she wanted to move on but also she just didn’t have time for a relationship at the time. Eventually after a couple weeks she had a really bad night she said that she does not have time for a relationship and that we can still be friends. She said she still feels the same way about me but just can’t handle a relationship, I was confused. Where did that leave me? I was just suppose to move on like it wasn’t a big deal? From that day on I’ve been emotionally exhausted. She didn’t treat me the way she used to. It felt like she didn’t love me anymore. I don’t want to lose her this way. She never talked to me first and I was getting only more clingy because I was afraid. This has been going on for two months and just yesterday things didn’t turn out well at all. I said some stupid stuff and she said stuff that only made me more mad and just confused. Things I thought we have never said to each other months ago. We’re not friends on Facebook anymore, I blocked her, I took her off snapchat, I took her off Skype, and now I don’t know if ill get her back again. I would say it’s all my fault but how long could I have put up with this. I don’t know if it’s a good thing that it didn’t work out so that I can move on but it just doesn’t feel right and it’s not me. Someone I loved so much is now the one thing that can make me sad. I don’t know what to do. I felt like my only option was to stop talking to her. But this all doesn’t feel right. It shouldn’t be happening this way. After everything I’ve been through with her why does something so simple like this have to ruin everything. I feel so sorry. I don’t even know if ill ever get to talk to her again. I miss her but I need to move on right? Isn’t that what everybody says? I look back and I ask myself where did we go wrong? I just hope everything is going to be alright. I hope so much.

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

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